I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
