based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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