i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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