I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
