You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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