I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
