Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
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your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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