roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
