he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
