I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
