Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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