i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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