you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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