And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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