So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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