i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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