I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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