To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
