The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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