I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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