i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vagina is talking i cant
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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