Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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