god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
