i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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