tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
