Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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