if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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