This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
