i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
