my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
