You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
