you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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