Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
