If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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