matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
