Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
