dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You are a genius and a whore.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
