1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
