So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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