Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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