barbara walters just said penis...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
