Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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