If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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