New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
