Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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