I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
