I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
