Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
