You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
