i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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