you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
