so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
