There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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