my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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