youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
