I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
where does the pee come out of this thing
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sarcasm needs its own font
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
