I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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